Words Shall Be My Coffin

I am seeing, with lengthening age, the disappearance of all things beautiful. Things as I have known them. I see the molecules of my living joining those of others great and small, good and evil, ancient and modern, in the biosphere and atmosphere, the geosphere and hydrosphere, all the spheres of influence on life until the inevitable conclusion, when the rocky lifeless geosphere is shorn of all the other spheres in the heat death of all the beauties all life has ever given rise to.

The “I” ages, foretasting in small ways the inevitable, for me, and mine, and all.

The universal laws have passed their sentence.

In the light of the disappearance of light and life I see in my vain scratchings the only residue of this singular and peculiar configuration that is “I”. Artists of all kinds can give a rendering of that prospect laid out in front of us all. That which I saw through my windshield as I drove toward the front range of mountains is a metaphor for all the beauties in people, in music, in the concerts of people working together.

My personal loss is, “I” has not said all that should go into the coffin.

I have those small sighs of despair. Not all breath, but some slight vocal sound pushed in something like a gasp. When my consciousness is passed through by a whiff of disorder, of exasperation with unfinished business, of a frustrated drive toward a conclusion. I am overcome often by the reflex-sigh blurted out uncontrolled toward people with eyes that can see but are truly blind, foolish, many of them unpolitical politicians without policy—it’s election season! Those who do not even rise to the level of “shallow”.

The vocalized sighs come at night when I take in the whole of the day.

I know they are there. I put them there. I make them happen. As if conveying to myself some utter hopelessness, to commiserate with myself. Almost, “Poor me!” Sometimes they are meant to be heard. As if begging to be questioned about them, to open a dialog. But then, “Nothing.” That’s pride. Do I need help? I can take care of it. It’s my doing.

I miss the kind of friendly probing questions by which I lead others to analyze their business and speak aloud their problems and possible solutions. As much as that is possible by the other’s permission to proceed. Especially important in family communication.

I have hundreds and hundreds of pages of “scratchings”, the front range mountains of words un-communicated. The structures of my coffin holding the molecules that may be all that may be seen of my life. The atmosphere will hold the rest. My coffin will not be a box. Of the residue, say, “I’ve urned it. Rest in pieces.”

Somewhere, on any engraving on my urn, put this: “There are other things I’d rather be doing.”

Published in: on August 5, 2010 at 12:17 pm  Comments (80)  

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